Hey all, I’ve been away for a while. I’ll be back soon I promise. Today is an International Bloggers’ Day for Burma. No blog. Just full on support for the people of Burma. We need to pray for peace and ACT for a resolution.

Wawaweewawa … I have in my hot little paws my copy of Children of Húrin and it’s gor-gee-ous. Kudos to Amazon.ca! I got an email y’day saying it had shipped and today, there it was on my doorstep!!

I can’t wait to get into it, later tonight when I’ve taken care of all the nightly stuff and the boy is in bed. I love Alan Lee’s pencil sketches throughout the text – adds a lovely touch.

This is my favourite tale of the Elder Days and I’ll have to savour it – and cry a lot. I’ll let you know what I think. Please let me know what you think too.

so funny
i got used to you
so quickly
and now i don’t even
think of you twenty
times
a day
i just float on you
knowing you are there
accepting
too readily
perhaps.
i can move past
you now
did you know?
on to others calling
to me from
impossible heights
across distance and time
ignoring their
own deaths
to touch me
with glorious madness
and love
not like yours
but not different
still i float
on you
wrap myself in you
on this cold, cold night
of howling wind
i know you won’t mind
the others love
but not like you
you are fire
they are air
you are water
giver of life
they are the muse
the passion
of mind.
ancient cards told
me to combine
my separate selves
for you
but you’ll think
me crazy when
you see how it is
with me
i must answer when
called
i must move past
even you
into the in-between place
of shadows
and dark reality
i’m afraid to make you solid
scared of your scorn
my line to this
earth is
so tenuous, at best.

Do not weep for the story
that cannot now be told
Do not hold to the history
that seems to you incomplete
Do not lament for the lives
that have been lost to you
Do not cry
for lost stones

You carry their joy
in your song
and your feet dance
across the face of
these lost stones, broken stones
and pattern their love
into the heart of the world

(October 7, 2006)

mine is not to follow you
nor to walk in your shadow
i cannot hold your hand
i cannot watch your back

my life is that which is my own
solitary and alone
i will die without you
and so i must live without you

i know you want a different song
you want something more
something less than perfect
but i can only be as i am

don’t you think it’s hard for me
to ask you this
to delve into your soul
and return with nothing

don’t you know how it breaks my heart
to show you your aloneness
in the false neon of attachment
what is the test of my love?

moonlight and roses, dinner and diamonds
followed by tears
starlight coming through our window
wind drying the sweat from our skin

what can be more perfect than the vessel
broken, cracked, fragmented
beyond recognition
would you glue it together again?

i stand outside of the sky
and there are no stars here
love of mine,
how brave are you?

chances taken, roads walked
sorrows we drank
  like blood along the way
the moon follows me into
    the darkest thickets
lighting the mind of the child
nights we howled
    under blurred stars rising
feral and fierce
the war god ascending
temples broken by
  the weight of our carelessness
prayers crunching
    under our feet like
broken glass
it’s all so ghostly

heaven opens wide
  with jaws of steel
and eyes of baleful fire
devils play harps
in fluffy robes
  singing like gandharvas
where is the lord of thunder?
i knelt before the sun
    you worshiped in the rain
but where were we
  what did we do
  why do i feel
  like a ghost now?

your arms around me
tearing out
    my soul
still i long for
your embrace
to bring me to the end
love, where does
  this forest go
i’m standing in the glade
where love was born
and hatred torn
and I cannot run

wheels burning inside
  the middle of the dark
hearts melting in our minds
and bleeding over sight
every gate we passed
  locked up tight
so we danced
    we capered on
far away from the
  colour of life
but the whispers
still follow with
ghost words in my ear

love, light the lamp
i’m so cold inside
build me a fire now
to keep out the wolves of night

love, hold my hand
i can’t feel my skin
i went too far, can’t come back
i’m lost again

hold back the night
and quiet my aching mind
touch the velvet cover
that hides my soul from you

take me by the hand
and lead me to the place
where dark and light
meet and kiss on the
lips of the abyss

the lips of the abyss

draw your knife across
the bleeding cuts I have
on my heart, in my hand
drain it all away

fuel all my nights
with the sounds of your need
raise me up to the light
and tear me to shreds
in the dark

see me as I am
and try not to run from me
all that I have
is poured on the water

poured on the water

poured on the water

can you see me as I am?

Often others say it better than I ever could, so today, here is the Lizard King himself giving voice to things going on in my brain/life/world/whatever …

People Are Strange 
 
People are strange when you’re a stranger,
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted,
Streets are uneven when you’re down,
When you’re strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
When you’re strange
When you’re strange
When you’re strange 

The Crystal Ship 
 
Before you slip into unconsciousness
I’d like to have another kiss,
Another flashing chance at bliss,
Another kiss, another kiss

The days are bright and filled with pain
Enclose me in your gentle rain,
The time you ran was too insane,
We’ll meet again, we’ll meet again

Oh’ tell me where your freedom lies,
The streets are fields that never die,
Deliver me from reasons why
You’d rather cry, I’d rather fly

The crystal ship is being filled,
A thousand girls, a thousand thrills,
A million ways to spend your time;
When we get back, I’ll drop a line 
 

The Celebration Of The Lizard
 
Lions in the street and roaming
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming
A beast caged in the heart of a city
The body of his mother
Rotting in the summer ground
He fled the town

He went down South and crossed the border
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there over his shoulder

One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin

Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin

Wake up!
You can’t remember where it was
Had this dream stopped?

The snake was pale gold
Glazed and shrunken
We were afraid to touch it
The sheets were hot dead prisons

Now, run to the mirror in the bathroom
Look!
I can’t live thru each slow century of her moving
I let my cheek slide down
The cool smooth tile
Feel the good cold stinging blood
The smooth hissing snakes of rain . . .

Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl back into my brain
I think you know the game I mean
I mean the game called ‘go insane’

Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes forget your name
Forget the world forget the people
And we’ll erect a different steeple

This little game is fun to do
Just close your eyes no way to lose
And I’m right there I’m going too
Release control we’re breaking thru

Way back deep into the brain
Back where there’s never any pain
And the rain falls gently on the town
And in the labyrinth of streams
Beneath, the quiet unearthly presence of
Nervous hill dwellers in the gentle hills around
Reptiles abounding
Fossils, caves, cool air heights

Each house repeats a mold
Windows rolled
Beast car locked in against morning
All now sleeping
Rugs silent, mirrors vacant
Dust blind under the beds of lawful couples
Wound in sheets
And daughters, smug
With semen eyes in their nipples

Wait
There’s been a slaughter here

(Don’t stop to speak or look around
Your gloves and fan are on the ground
We’re getting out of town
We’re going on the run
And you’re the one I want to come)

Not to touch the earth
Not to see the sun
Nothing left to do, but
Run, run, run
Let’s run

House upon the hill
Moon is lying still
Shadows of the trees
Witnessing the wild breeze
C’mon baby run with me
Let’s run

Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let’s run

The mansion is warm, at the top of the hill
Rich are the rooms and the comforts there
Red are the arms of luxuriant chairs
And you won’t know a thing till you get inside

Dead president’s corpse in the driver’s car
The engine runs on glue and tar
C’mon along, we’re not going very far
To the East to meet the Czar

Some outlaws lived by the side of the lake
The minister’s daughter’s in love with the snake
Who lives in a well by the side of the road
Wake up, girl! We’re almost home

Sun, sun, sun
Burn, burn, burn
Soon, soon, soon
Moon, moon, moon
I will get you
Soon!
Soon!
Soon!

Let the carnival bells ring
Let the serpent sing
Let everything

We came down
The rivers and highways
We came down from
Forests and falls

We came down from
Carson and Springfield
We came down from
Phoenix enthralled
And I can tell you
The names of the Kingdom
I can tell you
The things that you know
Listening for a fistful of silence
Climbing valleys into the shade

‘I am the Lizard King
I can do anything
I can make the earth stop in its tracks
I made the blue cars go away
For seven years I dwelt
In the loose palace of exile
Playing strange games
With the girls of the island

Now I have come again
To the land of the fair, and the strong, and the wise
Brothers and sisters of the pale forest
O Children of Night
Who among you will run with the hunt?

Now Night arrives with her purple legion
Retire now to your tents and to your dreams
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready’ 

Lyrics by Jim Morrison of the Doors (courtesy of Rock Lyrics.)

A few days ago, a friend said to me, “Are you ok? You look sad. Are you sad?”

I hadn’t been thinking about sadness or happiness. I assumed that, given the general emotional place of my life at the moment, I was very, very happy, in a deep-inside way. But I guess I’m just one of those people who still feel overwhelming sadness in the midst of great joy. There’s never one or the other, both are always present. My life is in a general state of gratitude and joy. Not happiness, which, to me, is transient.

There’s still a pervading sadness. I can feel it, touch it. It’s always there, will always be there. It’s not really mine as in of me, made of my thoughts, harboured in my heart. It’s just a quality of the Darkness That Is. Maybe this is why addicts are addicts. Even the middle of their joy, they still feel the pain and they want to run away to euphoria, even artificial euphoria. I don’t know. I think many artists, poets in particular, are given over to dark as much as light. They become conduits for darker things that others put away, hide in religion or mysticism, compartmentalize, refuse to talk about, pretend aren’t there. A poet, a true poet, can’t put those things away. Can’t hide. Won’t hide. Pain and sorrow and sadness becomes the texture of their life just as much as the heights of love, joy and pleasure.

I know people who think that because they’ve felt pain or sadness, they know what I’m talking about. That the dark is woven into their lives in the same way. Not so. Everyone has felt pain or sadness, but only a few dare the madness that comes with constantly looking into the dark. Are you willing to feel the sadness for the rest of your life, even in your happiest moment? Are you sure? Do you want to leave your wedding to walk into the forest and cry? Do you want to hold your first child and weep for the heartbreak inside the joy? Do you want to walk the edge where oxymorons pave the road and paradox falls from the sky? Is that the landscape of your life?

Do you want the constant need to get away from all people, while needing them immensely? Do you want the agony of never being able to reconcile the two?

Am I sad? Yes. Why do I cry? I have no idea. It doesn’t matter. The question “Why?” is so irrelevant to me in this afternoon of my life. I don’t care why. I just do. And within the tears lies the pain of the world, the salvation of my soul. But salvation from what and for what eludes me. There’s nothing rational about it. I abandoned rational life a long time ago. All that is left is the vast landscape of the mind when you refuse to put things into categories. Into compartments. The Wild Things spill over into your work day, gnashing their terrible teeth and rolling their terrible eyes. And you leave your day behind to join the Wild Rumpus.

Or maybe I’m a liar. Maybe all people who feel that “something” in their soul are all liars. All of us. Maybe we just need to give voice to our delusions. Our wild imaginings that darkness has shape and beauty too. Maybe we’ll never get it right, never understand, and are doomed to keep trying, like this “Glimpse into the Beyond.” (jca, I love this.)

i guess i just have to get used to not sleeping, but it would certainly be nice to get a full night of sleep. who knew good things could make you this crazy?

at least i’m writing everyday. lol.

on monsoon nights
the air is full of redolent
desire
breezes sigh
curling around your ears
like the tendrils
of your lover’s hair
rain falls
pregnant with life
with love
you see where he leans
against the damp
walls
the trees blow
swaying like seductive
dancers in the downpour
his voice rolls
across you
thunder over
a parched plain
like a bird
suddenly seeing freedom
your heart leaves
you behind
to stand wondering
as rain kisses
you

Each year the Tolkien Society celebrates Tolkien Reading Day on March 25th (Sauron’s final downfall). Wellinghall, our smial here in the GTA is meeting up for an afternoon of food, laughter, reading and discussion. If you like Tolkien, consider this an invite to come on down (up or over) and join us. We’ll be meeting at 1.00 this Saturday (March 24) at the Pickle Barrel, Yorkdale Mall (in Toronto). It will also be our first anniversary of smial-hood.

The group is open to anyone and everyone, of all ages. And you don’t need to be a fanatic or a scholar, although we love those.   In the spirit of the day, what we do is we each select a favourite passage, poem, or song from any of Tolkien’s works and read it. Even our Entings get into the spirit. So, if you’re interested, bookmark your favourite passage(s) and let us know over at the forum so that we can make sure we have enough seats for everyone. Hope to see you there.

• Last year’s Reading Day
• And for good measure, here is Wellinghall’s webspace: http://wellinghallsmial.blogspot.com/

(A song of Gondor)

Children, do you hear?
In the breeze, beyond the meadow?
Carried in the echo of tears
the echoes of time,
it is the White Tree sighing.

Love, can you feel
the weight of blessedness,
the love of the gods?
From the first Silver Tree
to the blossom in the courtyard,
the breath of light
leads us all.

Borne afar on winds of sorrow
past the death of hope,
knowing that its end would come
rejoicing all the more in life
White Tree! White Tree!
I hear your ancient sigh.

Flowers bloom
and flowers wither;
leaves flutter to the black water.
The tree dies aged and ageless
while in the mountain snows
a sapling sprouts
sad seeds, waiting
quietly breathing desolation.

My liege, my liege
can you lead the way?
Can life o’ercome crawling
death in the darkness?
Yes, for yours are the hands
of healing and of light;
pure, silver, as the eldest
of all the lamps of Heaven.

Children, do you hear?
Wafting on the sound of love,
Tree and King,
Love and Life,
joined at last together again.
This joy you hear is
the White Tree sighing.

live like a child
with your whole self
love like a child
with your entire heart
dream like a child
from your innocence
believe like a child
with the fullness of your imagination
and then you will not
have anything to apologize for

the dragon peers at me
asking questions with his eyes
beckoning me to come closer
i should hate him
he is my enemy – or so i’ve been told
but i can’t see the malice
cannot hear the venom
he sees me as i am
and it is intriguing
gently he warms me
with breath that could scorch
this flesh to vapour
if he chose it
what do i make of his choice
mercy instead of death
understanding instead of anger
i can speak no words
for they are too rough and
bound to this world
my mind answers him in
thought pure as crystal
and he laughs
i am so near to him now
that glowing eye focused
on all my smallness
all my weakness
but he does not move
to him, i am intriguing
softly he sends tendrils
of thought down my shoulders
cascading like golden
droplets inside my skin
i drink in his burning gaze
before i approach
and lay my palm on copper scales
with touch we are one
it is the way of dragons
so i’ve been told
we will always dream of one another
a silent kiss in my mind
so gentle, so gentle
i cannot stop my tears as i
draw close to him
to hear his heart beating
he leaves only love behind
when he flies into the rising moon

I wish I could be funny and light right now. If there is a God, he/she/it knows I’m trying. But there is so much, so much on my mind. I put away the post I did the other day but I’ll bring over this bit:

Love is the border around the known map. Don’t play there for beyond that place, there be dragons. Be sure or begone.

It’s wrong actually. Love, real love, not the infatuation, obsession thing, is the land around the border around the known map. It’s that twilight place. No wonder I’ve been falling over my face, tripping over Faerie every 5 seconds. This place where we dare to dare, where we don’t just dream of the adventure – we become the adventure. This place is love’s playground. And it’s scary to me.

What would you do if the same moon shone on you twice? Would you know? If you got a second chance to see everything you had missed about those silky beams of silver, would you look? What if there was danger in the looking? What if to look meant to be profoundly changed, opened like a night flower – a flower that might die in the light of day. Would you look? If you knew that you would be so incredibly blessed by what lies within the moonbeams, but your heart would break, would you open yourself? Would you dare to dream of that second chance?

And if your reality and your dream merged? Where would you be?

there is an angel on my pathway
and he ushers in the end of times
the end of me and all i know
the start of something completely new
but i don’t want to end
i quieted my heart with so many lullabyes
i don’t want it to wake up
and wound me for sport
i don’t want to be reminded
that i’ve built a house of cards
where i hide my love inside
but he beckons and i can’t stop
i walk to him and find out
i never left his side